Stage 5 Clingers

Anyone who has seen Wedding Crashers remembers the part when Vince Vaughn refers to Isla Fisher as a stage five clinger. 

If you don't remember that part, here is a refresher:



But don't go giving girls the reputation of being the only stage five clingers.  My friends and I have run into our fair share of boys who fit the description and they do some of the following:

-Reference you meeting his grandmother...on the first date.
-Insist he be with you at all times, attending 100% of the same social events as you.
-Get mad at you when you get food poisoning as he considers that an unacceptable excuse for canceling a date.
-Latch on to you, literally, so that you have to literally RUN off the Lido deck of a cruise ship and into a dark corner so he can't find you because if he does you know he won't leave you alone and then when your amazing cruise director leads a Mardi Gras themed conga line into the casino it happens to be the only thing separating you and Stage 5 who is obviously looking for you so now you're ducking behind people wearing beads while a band plays "When the Saints Go Marching In."
-Assume you're dating after one date which may then include the following conclusions: ask what's going on with "us" (there IS no us), assume he can spend the night (negative, ghost rider), thinking you're then obligated to not date anyone else.

I wonder why it's always so hard to find the happy medium.  Either I'm at a bar at 3am forcing myself to drink beer when I barely was able to keep down solid foods the day before due to food poisoning just so I could spend time with someone or completely dodging calls, texts and emails so I'd never to see a dude again.  This elusive happy medium escapes me.  In fact, I believe I found it on aforementioned cruise and then totally blew it but that's fine.  You only live twice, right?