And now, for a completely different topic, I will go from Va. Tech season previews to the world of online dating, of which I am an expert. An expert who is writing this at 8pm on a Friday night from her living room (a new living room! In a new apartment! That I love!), but an expert, nonetheless.
Most of you know about my obsession (read: love/hate relationship) with Twitter. (Follow me here)
Because of a random tweet of mine a couple weeks back, I made a new friend. I tweeted about how the concept of “winking” at someone on Match.com is pointless – and was then directed to a blog about online dating by one of my followers (thanks @DenverGamblr).
The blog, 816am.com, is written by Justin (@crebaj) and chronicles his experiences dating and meeting women from various online sites (Match, OK Cupid, E-Harmony, etc).
I thought it was interesting to read a guy’s perspective about exactly how they navigate the tar-like waters of online dating. A few of my male friends have done or are doing it, but I don’t think any of them are willing to tell me all the dirty details (or maybe I never asked…either way).
Justin was nice enough to chat with me about the guy’s approach to the online dating world.
So without further adieu and all that jazz:
Me: Okay, first of all, how long have you been doing the online dating thing?
Justin: Well, I have met people online since high school. But as for the typical Match/E-Harmony/etc. style, I first joined about 2 years ago, so, sometime in early 2009.
Me: What is the longest relationship you've had as a result?
Justin: My last one, which came off of Match.com, was 10 months. It only ended because my now-ex decided she wasn't ready for the commitment and long term-ness of it. Otherwise, we got along great, but looking back, we may not have been the best long term match… But it was still a good relationship.
Me: When you're looking at profiles, what really sticks out for you that makes you want to contact someone?
Justin: I hate to admit this, but really, it’s all in the main picture and your basic stats (age, location, kids, smoking, height, etc). I also pay attention to how much effort someone puts in her profile. If she only has a few sentences, I usually pass because it’s a bit of a sign that she isn’t too serious. If someone really wows me, I'll write her screen name down as a memo to write an email later… And when I get to writing the email, I read their profile and try to incorporate that into the email to make it personal. Template emails are not your friend! It shows you won’t take the time to make it personal. My theory, too, is you can’t overly invest in something until you get some sort of response back; otherwise, you'll waste hours writing emails to people with no interest.
(Ed note: and this, my friends, is the purpose of a wink)
Me: What was the worst date you ever had as a result of meeting someone online?
Justin: Oh man, worst date... This was over two years ago, during my first time on Match...I had emailed with a girl who seemed cool and everything and we decided to meet. She didn't have a car, so we decided to meet at a place close to where she lived, so we picked the Denver Zoo. She was pretty attractive in her pictures, but she only had three, and all were chest high and up. I arrived at the zoo and called saying, “I've parked, where are you so I can meet you?” She was in front of the entrance (it was mid-afternoon) around the general zoo crowd. And I knew right away it was a no-go. She had these gigantic tattoos on both of her wrists. I should disclaim, I have nothing against tattoos, but I think they should be in a spot that can be hidden and aren't trendy. Her tattoos were VERY trendy and in-style at the time, which [to me] didn't show a lot of thought to something so permanent. From there on, I knew it was not going to go too well. But I am a nice guy and don't bail on dates, so I still went along trying to make the best of a bad situation. I kind of wish I would have spoken up and said, “Hey, this isn't going to work” then and there, because the date was 2 1/2 hours of awkward small talk at the zoo, with no way to get out easily. You can only say, "Oh, look at the Lion, he's sleeping." or "Look at the elephant he's cute…" so many times. Imagine 2-plus hours of that.
So the lesson is if someone is not showing something in their pictures, or only have one, you have to be wary of what they may be hiding
Me: What about current prospects? Anyone?
Justin: Well, I don't want to divulge all of my secrets, but yes, I always have prospects. I guess I should clarify that I'm not a player or out looking to get laid or anything, It's just that I have found that you can't put all of your eggs in one basket until you are given a cue or reason to do so. So I tend to talk to/e-mail a few people (usually 3-5) at any given time, see which ones end up wanting to meet, and if we make it past the first date, then I'll consider holding off on anyone else. But, until that talk is made of “I want to see where this goes” or “I really like you.” I see that as part of dating, be it online or not.
As soon as that talk comes up, regardless of when it happens, I have no problem putting everything else—new winks, new emails, existing contacts, etc. on hold.
You just have to be honest and frank about it and not outright reject others. Just say you have met someone and you want to see where it goes, and if it doesn't work out, that I'll let them know and you re-assess at that point in time.
Me: I once had two guys cancel a date with me within 24 hours of each other because they each told me they wanted to see where it was going with someone else...I took a break after that.
Justin: I never cancel dates. If I made you hold an evening for me, I'll be there. But, I rarely have dates planned more than few days out. Usually it’s like, "What are you doing tomorrow or the next day?" and you find a place and time then. So I figure the situation can't change TOO much in two or three days.
Plus, if someone is so busy that their only free night to meet is a week or more out, then that tells me more about how serious you are about finding someone, or more about your typical lifestyle and how often I can expect to see you if things were to work out. I tend to read into things more than I should, but most of the time my gut about it is right, so I go with the logic. I figure, everyone can make time, or an hour here or there to grab a drink. If you aren't willing to make time or be flexible, that alone tells me you haven't thought things through.
Dating/relationships take commitment and compromise. If you can't compromise on the first date, how can I expect you to do that when things get serious? It’s like my mom taught me, people can say anything, but their actions will show their true colors or what they really mean. It’s easy to lie with words. It’s VERY hard to lie with actions.
Me: I wish more guys were honest
Justin: You'd be amazed at how often I am told, "Wow, you are honest and upfront!" Sometimes I think it overwhelms some and they don't know how to handle it, and I may scare them off with that. Unfortunate, but oh well!
